Monday, October 23, 2006

MLB: What's on Kenny's Hand?

By Dustin Hockensmith and Steve "Supreme Commander" Cernak

Controversy marred last night's World Series game in the form of a foreign substance on Kenny Rogers' hand. Kenny said it was a clump of dirt, but we are doubtful.

The commissioner's office may ask us what we believe was on Kenny's hand. Our research indicates the following possibilities:

  1. poop
  2. bean dip
  3. blood from the camera man's nose
  4. stains of failure from his New York Yankees tenure
  5. some substance that has an evolutionary connection with his massive jaw
  6. sandpaper, which is suprisingly smoother than his six-day stubble
  7. hair dye from a Just For Men promotional packet
  8. grease from his brother Roy's restaurant
  9. poop
  10. a skin deformity from touching the toxic sludge in Jim Leyland's ashtray
  11. palm hair from excessive masturbation
  12. a stain from high-fiving a fake black guy
  13. Magglio Ordonez's jeri-curl activator

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