Monday, October 23, 2006

SPORTS: Tasteless Sports Movie Remakes

I watched Rudy today, and as is the case every time I see it, I had to wipe a tear from my eye. An emotionally jarring experience such as this sparked ideas of some other potential classic sports movies. Enjoy.

Wookiee of the Year
The next George Lucas classic highlights the very beginning of the Star Wars films and follows powerful Jedi Henry Rowengardner in a series of zany adventures. The 6-foot-9, 325 pound wookiee version of the 12-year old Rowengardner again teams up with Gary Busey's Chet Stedman character, and the two share tips on pitching, ripping humans' arms out of their sockets and firing a laser cross bow.

Little Big-Headed Giants
Rick Moranis is named the next manager of the San Francisco Giants and manages them against the heavily favored Houston Astros in the National League Championship series. Shunned by society for his overgrown head, Barry Bonds is the leader of a team that reaches the World Series behind the right arm of female teammate Jason "The Icebox" Schmidt.

The Error Up There
Kevin Bacon
plays a Boston Red Sox scout who travels to Alabama and discovers a raw, but talented prospect in Mark Bellhorn. The prodigy works his way through the minors, but falls into the bad habits of injecting Novocain into his glove hand before games and creating a giant hole in his swing. Bacon loses his job, and Bellhorn grows a ratty beard and disappears into obscurity (San Diego) in his role as a tragic hero.

Varsity Blues Clues
The animation, I thought, changed the complexion of the movie. Obviously intended for a younger crowd than the original, an edgy, alternative soundtrack was replaced with "The Alphabet Song", "Johnny's Got a Brand New Scooter" and "My Dad SHOULDN'T Beat Up Your Dad."

Juwanna Howard Man
The first one was simply too classy to not make a sequel. Rumors abound regarding Juwan Howard's sexuality, and a nosy reporter breaks the story that he is actually a woman. Howard admits to his womanhood, and she and the female reporter fall in love.

Caddy Shaq
You guessed it, Miami Heat Center Shaquille O'Neal stars in a 2006 version of Caddy Shack. Under-privileged Shaquille Noonan competes for a caddy scholarship in an effort to complete his degree work in general studies from LSU.

Ghoul Runnings
A group of possessed Jamaican demons compete for Olympic gold (Based on a true story).

No Holds Beard
Hulk Hogan and Zeus relive a vicious rivalry and compete for a WWE title belt. Though initially divided, they unite in the face of a heinous new villain: Jake Plummer's beard.

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