SPORTS: Weekend Recap, Michigan Robbed

NCAA Football
The BCS selection of Ohio State vs. Florida defined the weekend’s sports landscape. The wrong one-loss team was selected. Both Florida are Michigan great teams, but everyone I know wanted to see Michigan avenge their 42-39 loss to Ohio State.

The shame in this situation is everyone—AGAIN—is talking about a broken system rather than (1) USC blowing its BCS hopes vs. UCLA (complete with free furniture), (2) Arkansas hanging tough against Florida or (3) Rutgers losing out on the Big East title--and the Orange bowl--by losing in 3OT to West Virginia.

When the championship game is set right, the outcome is last year’s Texas vs. USC game, which was an all-time great game.

NFL
Rex Grossman killed my fantasy match up against Kenny Bloggins and seems destined to do the same to the Bears in the playoffs. Assuming the Bears win after their first-round bye, I’m predicting Grossman tosses three interceptions in the NFC Championship game.

More novice QB eras were unfolding this weekend too. Vince Young looks like a winner, despite what ESPN analysts said. Jay Cutler debuted Sunday night, while Mike Shannahan waited for the toughest possible game to introduce his young QB to the league. I like David Garrard and Jack Del Rio made the right albeit difficult decision by benching their “franchise player” Byron Leftwich (if he avoided taking monster hits, he’s a franchise player. Unfortunately, that won’t happen). Jason Campbell threw interceptions and his footwork is poor, but he has a strong arm.

Tony Romo started this novice QB trend, and had an effective game against the diminutive Giants. There’s a reason Romo went undrafted; he’s, at best, average in the pocket. Having said that, there’s a reason Bill Parcells is a genius; I’ve never seen a more accurate passer on the run than Romo, a rare talent indeed. He did this all day against the Giants, and Romo knocked the Giants down from Super Bowl contender to playoff pretender.

NCAA Basketball

FSU’s AL Thornton continues to be a stud against college basketball’s elite. His 28 points and 9 rebounds led the Seminoles to a stunning upset over the fourth ranked Florida Gators.

NHL
Viktor Kozlov’s four goal outburst put the Islanders atop the Atlantic Division after beating the Rangers 7-4.

NBA
Kevin Garnett said he’s angered by the trade rumors and he’s happy in Minnesota. Well, Kevin, I’m calling your bluff you liar.

The storyline for this NBA season is: if KG or Allen Iverson get traded, which uniforms will they don?

SPORTS: A Glimpse at This Weekend's Action

As many baseball enthusiasts are well aware, some of the most exciting action in the next week will not be taking place on dirt, grass, ice or the hardwood. Depending on the outcome of upcoming free agent signings and next week's winter meetings (Dec. 4-7), what happens this weekend could go largely unnoticed by a nice chunk of the sports viewing population. Don't get caught out of the loop, take a look at the daily breakdown below. Times listed are in Eastern Standard Time.

Friday
NCAA Basketball - A slow night, but watch No. 9 Marquette and Tennessee win big and a decent matchup between Vermont and Towson ... NCAA Football - Southern Miss and Houston play for the Conference USA title (8 p.m., ESPN2) ... NBA - Chicago takes its recent signs of life into Oklahoma City for an 8 p.m. meeting with the Hornets, and the Kings take a run at the Mavericks' 11-game winning streak ... in an upset alert game, look for Atlanta to challenge Cleveland (2-4 on the road) at home.

Saturday
NCAA Basketball - Lots of intriguing matchups and a few trap games ... Kentucky at No. 6 North Carolina (Noon, CBS), No. 23 Georgetown at No. 10 Duke (7 p.m., ESPN2), No. 22 Wichita State at No. 14 Syracuse, Illinois at No. 16 Arizona (5:15 p.m. EST, ESPN) and No. 21 Gonzaga at No. 25 Texas (3 p.m., ESPN) highlight the schedule ... NCAA Football - No. 2 USC at UCLA (4:30 p.m., ABC) is the only game with national championship implications, but check out the various conference championship games, including No. 8 Arkansas at No. 4 Florida (6 p.m., CBS) in the SEC ... NBA - Seattle at Utah -- how do the Jazz respond after being blown out by the Lakers? ... Cleveland (at Houston) and Indiana (at Denver) both attempt to un-skew the Eastern vs. Western Conference results, but have to win on the road to do it.

Wichita State upsets Tennessee in the 2006 NCAA Tournament


Sunday
NCAA Basketball - No. 3 Pittsburgh continues its walk on the tight rope at Auburn, and No. 20 Nevada (at Cal) and No. 24 Georgia Tech (at Miami) get put to the test on the road ... NCAA Football - With 51 touchdowns, Hawaii quarterback Colt Brennan stands just three shy of David Klingler's NCAA record of 54 and should set a new record against Oregon State (TBA, ESPN) ... NFL - Shawne Merriman returns to the Chargers lineup against the resurgent Bills, and the JP Losman Injury Alert goes from Yellow to Orange ... Titans QB Vince Young's progression continues against the 10-1 Colts (1 p.m.), and Dallas vs. New York (4:15 p.m.), Jacksonville at Miami (4:05 p.m.) and Seattle at Denver (8:15 p.m.) all have playoff implications ... Rookie QB Jay Cutler makes his Broncos debut in primetime against the Seahawks.

NCAA: Carolina and Ohio State, Thanks for the Show

By Dustin Hockensmith

So maybe I'm not going out on a limb when I say that Wednesday night's North Carolina-Ohio State game was a potential national championship game preview. But how about two such games (Florida vs. Kansas, Friday night) in the last six days? A case can be made for all four teams, as well as a UCLA team that I greatly underestimated, as being the best in the country. We saw a high-tempo affair between the Tar Heels and Greg Oden-less Buckeyes, one that UNC won, 98-89, with an impressive second half.

Tyler Hansbrough turned in a 21 point, 14 rebound double-double, but we also saw Carolina's talented freshmen play as well as they have all season. Speedy point guard Ty Lawson had five assists and no turnovers, Wayne Ellington scored 19 points on his 19th birthday and the lengthy Brandan Wright scored most of his 11 points in the second half. UNC's depth ultimately won the day, as it should all season, and they scored points in every way imaginable. I might not have gone out on a limb earlier, but maybe I am when I say that Carolina is the best team in the country.

I know, OSU fans, with Oden in the lineup, this is a different team and Wednesday is a different game. There is no matching up with the 7-footer on the offensive or defensive end, and his presence would have negated some of Hansbrough's strengths and maybe actually given the Buckeyes even more open looks from the outside. Ohio State has every reason to be optimistic with the team's red-hot 3-point shooting (13-of-26) and 30 dazzling points from Ron Lewis. Oh, and that Daequan Cook kid had a good night, too.

NCAA: Goodbye Austin, Hello Lottery

By Dustin Hockensmith

Texas basketball fans, I hope you're enjoying Kevin Durant's stay in Austin because he won't be there for long. To put it in Longhorn terms, he'll be off to greener pastures after this season, and you'll be up the dry creek bed without a dune buggy. He's heading to the NBA, and he'll be darn good when he gets there.

His talent counterpart can be seen just across the state in Houston, where Tracy McGrady is helping the Rockets win. Another way it has been put to me is 'halfway between Rudy Gay and Kevin Garnett', which again is probably too flattering, but you get the idea. The kid can play.

He is listed as a guard/forward in the Texas media guide, so it becomes apparent early how he prefers to play. He likes to work on the perimeter, but can get into the lane and hit from mid and long range

Combinations for Texas could include him anywhere from the 2 to the 5, so he'll be asked to do a lot on both ends of the floor, which is convenient because he can do a lot on both ends. He is blocking shots, rebounding, shooting the 3 and getting to the free throw line. If he continues to do all of those things, you can forget Big 12 Rookie of the Year and call him the conference Player of the Year.

Gay had this kind of all-around game at Connecticut for two seasons, but shared the spotlight and the ball with a multitude of NBA draft picks. Durant has all the freedom he could desire in the Texas offense, and to go a step further, he'll be strongly encouraged to carry the load. So far, 20 points a night has been automatic and it will probably stay that way even through the Longhorns' Big 12 Conference schedule.

This may or may not be going out on a limb, but Durant WILL be a Top 10 pick in the 2007 NBA Draft and WILL successfully take his all-around game to the big stage.

Other Coaches vs. Cancer Thoughts
Maryland has talent, depth and chemistry and has recently gotten impressive wins over St. John's, Michigan State and Winthrop. Active bigs James Gist and Ekene Ibekwe complement lockdown defender D.J. Strawberry, scorer Mike Jones and the impressive Eric Hayes at the point. An experienced lineup that can get points from any player on any given night makes Maryland an intriguing team in the Atlantic Coast Conference … St. John's got blown out by Maryland in the tournament semifinals, but bounced back nicely and had a shot to beat No. 18 Texas in the final seconds on Friday night. Junior Avery Patterson has led a revamped offense with 19 three-pointers in four games, and sophomore Anthony Mason Jr. is doing a little bit of everything and asking for the ball in key situations.

SPORTS: Recapping the Weekend in Sports

By Dustin Hockensmith

College Football
Ohio State vs. Michigan – Both teams proved how good they really were, but Troy Smith and the top-ranked Buckeyes won 42-39 and secured a spot in the national championship game. The teams went nose-to-nose like a couple of heavyweight fighters, but Smith threw for four touchdown passes and essentially locked up the Heisman Trophy … BCS Implications – Ohio State became the first team in three seasons to earn a perfect 1.000 BCS score, and both OSU and Michigan finished their regular seasons … despite the loss, the Wolverines ended up No.2 in Sunday's BCS rankings, but won't stay there when No. 3 USC takes care of No. 5 Notre Dame next week.

NBA
Shaq to Have Surgery - Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal is having surgery on his left knee and is expected to miss the next 4-6 weeks. We're starting to see accelerated wear and tear from supporting such a large human all these years. Maybe again he's 'fresh' for a playoff run, but that only happens if he can return to the lineup by January and get back into playing shape … Don't Get Too Excited Jazz Fans - The Utah Jazz is off to its best start in franchise history at 9-1, but don't get too excited just yet. This isn't the first time a Jazz team has flown out of the gates, and I don't buy them as a contender just yet. The Northwest Division is very average, so they'll win that and get a Top 4 seed, but they're not up to par with the Mavs or Spurs.

NFL
Chad Johnson Did It Again - Bengals WR Chad Johnson caught six passes for 190 yards and three touchdowns against the Saints on Sunday. That gives the wideout two-week totals of 17 receptions for 450 yards and five TD's … McNabb, Eagles Done - Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb tore his ACL on Sunday, effectively putting an end to the Eagles and your fantasy season. Needless to say, that offense just won't run the same with Jeff Garcia leading it ... Steelers Still Have a Pulse - They've got work to do, but the Pittsburgh Steelers aren't dead yet. Big Ben Roethlisberger threw for 224 yards in the third quarter after being picked off three times in the first half, and the Steelers rallied to beat the Browns on a Roethlisberger-to-Willie Parker connection with 30 seconds remaining … Colts Loss a Blessing in Disguise – They've been walking a tightrope for some time now, and I don't think anyone was shocked when the Colts lost to the Cowboys on Sunday. They'll get their edge back and be in better shape for the playoffs than they were last year … LT a Touchdown Machine – Not much you can say here that the numbers don't already suggest. LaDainian Tomlinson reached the 100-touchdown plateau faster than any player ever over the weekend, and he put the Chargers on his back in a comeback win in the process.

MLB
Cubs Keep Working in Free Agency – The Chicago Cubs have inked outfielder Alfonso Soriano to an 8-year, $136 million contract, it was announced on Sunday. It was the fifth-largest deal in Major League Baseball history. His rare 40-40 potential and dynamic bat combined with the signings of Neal Cotts and Mark DeRosa and the resigning of Aramis Ramirez have made for an outstanding off-season already for the Cubbies.

NCAA: Five Reasons Why You Should Watch College Baseball

By Dustin Hockensmith

Why is college baseball so hard for people to like? I've theorized that a.) baseball is a game of such precision that mediocre play is very hard to watch, and b.) it is much more difficult to bridge the gap from amateur to professional. I understand those things, but I still stand by the fact that if you can make it to a college game, at least give it a shot, and here are my reasons why (in no particular order):

1. Top Talent in its Early Stages
Call me crazy, but I like to see a player before he reaches his potential. Maybe it's because I like to tell my friends that "I saw [insert name here] before he hit it big" or maybe it's because it's fun to guess if a guy will be any good. No matter, that's one of the great, tangible results of following any sport, but it's lacking in baseball.

2. Half Business, Half Pleasure
If or when a player begins his professional career, it's much like when any of us graduate from college. What you study or do while at school doesn't feature the kinds of responsibility and structure that your career will. Competitive sport is no different, so the purity of watching kids play baseball and be college students is a pretty refreshing change of pace.

3. Groupies
A tremendous addition to any college stadium, wannabe groupies tend to come in packs to games, with some locales featuring more talent than others. Georgia Tech, NC State and Miami, thanks for the memories; Pittsburgh, UNC-Wilmington and Fairfield, I think we should just be friends.

4. MLB Lite
If you ask someone to describe their perception of college baseball in one word, I would bet that "Ping!" comes up quite a few times. Forget about the association of metal bats with the college game and focus on the players and things like conference batting titles, the jubilation of an NCAA Tournament berth and the College World Series. They don't get the same love as their Major League Baseball equivalents, but they're only slightly lesser versions.

5. Draft Time Surprises
As someone with a minor stake in the uncertainty of baseball's amateur draft, I've grown to be a little frustrated with its inefficiencies. But at the same time, the massive and confusing nature of ranking 1,500 four-year college, junior college and high school players has created a number of great draft-day success stories. To be able to find an Albert Pujols in the 13th round or Mike Piazza in the 62nd round is about as common as first round picks that crash and burn. To put it simply, anything can and does happen.

NCAA Football: Rutgers Coach Greg Schiano is Legit

By Steve "Supreme Commander" Cernak


I grew up close to Rutgers. What a joke that program was. That had absolutely nothing to do with New Jersey football talent. The coaching was terrible and the program, again, was a joke. Enter Greg Schiano.


The New York Times ran this article which not only explains why Schiano is a great coach, but that he actually dreamed of coaching this team.


Now, I'm thrilled because the local team actually has someone competent to coach the LJ Smiths of the world.

NCAA: 2006-07 College Basketball Preview

By Dustin Hockensmith

We've all gotten caught up in the Major League Baseball playoffs and the starts of the NFL, NHL and NBA seasons that college basketball has gone largely unnoticed. It's about time to start paying attention and getting familiar with this season's contenders. There is an interesting group in defending national champion Florida, Kansas, North Carolina and Ohio State at the top of the preseason rankings, and you can probably expect that group to account for most of the four No. 1 seeds in the 2007 NCAA Tournament.

There appears to be some separation between the Top 3 and everyone else, but there are also some darkhorse national championship contenders. Arizona, LSU and Georgetown all have the looks of Top 10 teams, and Kentucky and Alabama could turn a lot of heads in a stacked Southeastern Conference.

Individuals drive the sport in March, and we've got a great crop of individual talent this season. Tyler Hansbrough may be the best, but Joakim Noah, Brandon Rush, Greg Oden, Ronald Steele and Glen "Big Baby" Davis could all be mentioned in the Player of the Year conversation. Below, you'll find both my preseason Top 10 and individual awards.

Preseason Top 10
10. Kentucky – On paper, the Wildcats don't return a lot of scoring prowess, but there are some real wild cards in this offense. It would be a mistake to sleep on forward/center Randolph Morris, who could average close to 20 points per game this year, and senior Danny Perry, who scored 45 points in two NCAA Tournament games last year. Sophomore big man Jared Carter has a monster frame at 7-foot-2, 250 pounds, and junior guards Joe Crawford and Ramel Bradley should successfully adjust to more prominent roles. You know Tubby Smith's teams will play defense, chase down loose balls and rebound, so a best-case offensive scenario would make the Cats a contender in the SEC East.

9. Duke – The loss of JJ Redick no doubt hurts, but the Blue Devils are ready to break down and rebuild their offensive philosophy sans Redick. Josh McRoberts is without question one of the nation's most gifted players, and the 6-10 forward/center is ready to be the focal point of their offense. Sophomore point guard Greg Paulus plays and leads like a senior and is a perfect fit for the Duke point guard position and coach Mike Krzyzewski. If he can succeed in making jobs easy for the Duke youngsters, you could see the team get on a roll as the season moves along. There's no chance they overtake North Carolina for the top spot, but it's looking like they're the best of the rest in a balanced ACC.

8. Georgetown – The Big East Conference looks like a two-pony race, and I like Georgetown to chase down preseason No. 1 Pittsburgh and win by a nose. The Hoyas lost three key components – guard Ashanti Cook, forward Brandon Bowman and versatile sixth-man Darrel Owens – from a team that made a run to the Sweet 16 a year ago, but dynamic forward Jeff Green and 7-foot-2 center Roy Hibbert are ready to step up and lead this team. GTown again has great size up-and-down the lineup, but a lack of depth and experience off the bench could be the team's Achilles heel. Green and Hibbert need to be more assertive on the offensive end for the Hoyas to find success, and I like their chances of taking that next step.

7. Alabama – Ronald Steele and Jermareo Davidson make up one of the best inside-outside combinations in the country. Steele, a 41.2 percent shooter from 3-point range last season, can handle the rock and score it, and could be in the race for national Player of the Year honors. Davidson is a big-time talent and a force in the low block, and you can expect to see the junior big man flirt with a season double-double. Sophomore forwards Alonzo Gee and Richard Hendrix give the Crimson Tide the potential for four double-digit scorers and make them a tough out come tournament time. Some winnable potential early-season tests against Iowa and Villanova will help ease the transition, but not overwhelm, a group that will need some time to jell.

6. LSU – Glen "Big Baby" Davis got a lot of love on the big stage last year, but it's important to note that he dominated all season long. You can look for a breakout season by sophomore swingman Tasmin Mitchell and also for a rotation that goes a legitimate nine or 10 deep. Point guard will be the position to watch for the Tigers, as Tack Minor replaces leader Darrel Mitchell after playing in just three games a season ago. How well Minor distributes the ball and helps their offense find a rhythm will be key. It won't be easy to replace Mitchell and freakish Tyrus Thomas, but a strong returning nucleus makes the Tigers a favorite to win the SEC West and compete for a national title.

5. Arizona – Arizona is my sleeper pick to win it all this season. They have a little bit of everything, from senior leadership to youthful exuberance, and a primetime player in Marcus Williams to lead the way. Head coach Lute Olson has senior Mustafa Shakur handling the ball and seniors Ivan Radenovic and Kirk Walters in the frontcourt, and a lot of athleticism and improved shooting on the perimeter. Williams is a breakout candidate that can do it all and will be joined by shooting guard Jawann McLellan and freshman phenom Chase Buddinger on the wing. The Cats could wear down late with a short bench and high expectations of their talented freshmen, but their balance and veteran leadership also make them a big threat in a tournament scenario.

4. Ohio State – If freshman center Greg Oden is half as good as the tall tales portray him to be, Ohio State is a no-brainer Top 5 pick. Any time you hear a player being compared to Bill Russell and Lew Alcindor you have to stop and listen, and his rare blend of size, skill, athletic ability and defensive prowess give the Buckeyes a chance to win every night. With Michigan State down and only Wisconsin a legitimate threat to win the Big Ten, the OSU conference schedule will not provide as many stiff challenges as some of the other power conferences. Stud freshmen Mike Conley and Daequan Cook make up an All-McDonald's All-American backcourt, and senior Ron Lewis provides some much needed veteran composure.

3. Kansas – The Jayhawks return four talented starters from a season ago, including All-America candidates Brandon Rush and Julian Wright. Fellow Super Soph Mario Chalmers averaged double-figure points, and three other returning players – center Sasha Kaun, forward Darnell Jackson and center C.J. Giles – averaged 6 points per night or better. They will shoot a high percentage, hustle and play tough defense and have perhaps the most raw talent in the country. The amount of talent they have can be seen as an asset or a liability, but I don't think there is such a thing as having too of a good thing. It creates a competitive environment in practice and in games, and it also gives head coach Bill Self the ability to mix and match in his lineup.

2. Florida – Florida seems to be an obvious choice to repeat its 2006 national title. All five starters return, and junior forward/center Joakim Noah was one of four to bypass the NBA for a shot at a second ring. The 6-foot-11 Noah leads a group of five Gators that averaged double figures in 2005-06, and is also one of their three forwards to shoot higher than 60% from the floor. Complacency is an issue for defending champions in professional sports, so to me, it's virtually guaranteed to hold the Gators back in 2006-07. Noah and company are a special group, so they could ultimately prove me wrong, but without the same hunger other teams might have, it's going to be tough to survive and win six straight NCAA Tournament games.

1. North Carolina – Unbelievable, mind-blowing talent surrounds perhaps the nation's best player in Tyler Hansbrough. The Tar Heels will again be relying on youngsters, but they won't play nearly as young as they did a season ago. Their group of incoming freshmen is perhaps the best in the country and could yield as many as two new starters. But Hansbrough is the key to everything, and he will not disappoint. The best comparison I can make of him is a super version of the collegiate Mark Madsen. Even though the Stanford grad Madsen is a punch line to most of my 'White Players in the NBA' jokes, he was a relentless, determined and creative scorer. So too is Hansbrough, only bigger, stronger, more athletic and more skilled.

Preseason Honors

Player of the Year: Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina
Hansbrough will be the poster boy of the Tar Heels' 2006-07 NCAA Championship run. Look for 20 points and 10 rebounds every night and closer to 30 and 12 in the NCAA Tournament.

Coach of the Year: Lorenzo Romar, Washington
The Huskies will lose 48.7 points from last season, but still be in the hunt for a Pac-10 title and a lock for the NCAA Tournament. Freshman center Spencer Hawes will learn quickly under Romar and his staff and help make up for the losses of Brandon Roy, Jamaal Williams and Bobby Jones.

Rookie of the Year: Greg Oden, Ohio State
Enough was said above, but Oden might go down in history as one of the best collegiate freshmen ever. He's that good, and he'll show you five blocks per night to prove it.

Surprise Player: Dominic James, Marquette
James was phenomenal last season and will be phenomenal again. My comparison for him would be Chris Paul, and I think his fate as a player could be the same.

Surprise Team: St. John's
They're more athletic and improved offensively, though I don't think we're looking at an NCAA berth for the Johnnies. But 16-17 wins and some advancement in the NIT would be a big success and a very reasonable expectation going into the season.

Conference Champions:
America East – Albany; Atlantic Coast – North Carolina; Atlantic Sun – Belmont; Atlantic 10 – Xavier; Big East – Georgetown; Big Sky – Northern Arizona; Big South – Winthrop; Big Ten – Ohio State; Big 12 – Kansas; Big West – Pacific; Colonial – Hofstra; Conference USA – Memphis; Horizon - Wisconsin-Green Bay; Ivy – Penn; Metro-Atlantic – Marist; Mid-Continent – Oral Roberts; Mid-Eastern – Delaware State; Missouri Valley – Southern Illinois; Mountain West – San Diego State; Northeast – Fairleigh Dickinson; Ohio Valley – Tennessee State; Pacific-10 – Arizona; Patriot – Holy Cross; Southeastern – Florida; Southland – Sam Houston State; Southwestern Atlantic – Southern; Sun Belt – Western Kentucky; West Coast – Gonzaga; Western Athletic - Nevada

SPORTS: Tasteless Sports Movie Remakes

I watched Rudy today, and as is the case every time I see it, I had to wipe a tear from my eye. An emotionally jarring experience such as this sparked ideas of some other potential classic sports movies. Enjoy.

Wookiee of the Year
The next George Lucas classic highlights the very beginning of the Star Wars films and follows powerful Jedi Henry Rowengardner in a series of zany adventures. The 6-foot-9, 325 pound wookiee version of the 12-year old Rowengardner again teams up with Gary Busey's Chet Stedman character, and the two share tips on pitching, ripping humans' arms out of their sockets and firing a laser cross bow.

Little Big-Headed Giants
Rick Moranis is named the next manager of the San Francisco Giants and manages them against the heavily favored Houston Astros in the National League Championship series. Shunned by society for his overgrown head, Barry Bonds is the leader of a team that reaches the World Series behind the right arm of female teammate Jason "The Icebox" Schmidt.

The Error Up There
Kevin Bacon plays a Boston Red Sox scout who travels to Alabama and discovers a raw, but talented prospect in Mark Bellhorn. The prodigy works his way through the minors, but falls into the bad habits of injecting Novocain into his glove hand before games and creating a giant hole in his swing. Bacon loses his job, and Bellhorn grows a ratty beard and disappears into obscurity (San Diego) in his role as a tragic hero.

Varsity Blues Clues
The animation, I thought, changed the complexion of the movie. Obviously intended for a younger crowd than the original, an edgy, alternative soundtrack was replaced with "The Alphabet Song", "Johnny's Got a Brand New Scooter" and "My Dad SHOULDN'T Beat Up Your Dad."

Juwanna Howard Man
The first one was simply too classy to not make a sequel. Rumors abound regarding Juwan Howard's sexuality, and a nosy reporter breaks the story that he is actually a woman. Howard admits to his womanhood, and she and the female reporter fall in love.

Caddy Shaq
You guessed it, Miami Heat Center Shaquille O'Neal stars in a 2006 version of Caddy Shack. Under-privileged Shaquille Noonan competes for a caddy scholarship in an effort to complete his degree work in general studies from LSU.

Ghoul Runnings
A group of possessed Jamaican demons compete for Olympic gold (Based on a true story).

No Holds Beard
Hulk Hogan and Zeus relive a vicious rivalry and compete for a WWE title belt. Though initially divided, they unite in the face of a heinous new villain: Jake Plummer's beard.

COMMUNITY SPOTLIGHT: Penn State

I really couldn’t think of a better way to end an era than taking a road trip to Happy Valley, where the Nittany Lions hosted the Wolverines.

My car failed inspection a week ago. As per Virginia State law, I have 15 days before operating my 1995 Chevy Lumina (complete with 130,000+ miles and a dead hooker in the trunk) becomes illegal. Recently I spent $440 replacing the coolant pump, which is more than the actual car is worth. Now, the tail break-lights don’t properly function and I refuse to dump more money into it. If I can’t fix it, sadly, it’s goodbye to my first car and love of seven years.

The community cares about Penn State football, that’s for sure. Penn State white and blue abounded at a supermarket an hour-and-a-half away (we got we over a pound of sandwich supplies) just as frequently as the local favorite of Yuengling near the cover band that performed amidst tailgaters. Team support was reflected in scalper ticket prices. The cheapest I witnessed a ticket sold was $60, but every other ticket was between $150-250. As one scalper told me, “tickets sell for pretty much anything you want.”

(I am taking this as an opportunity to point out female Penn State are hot in a down-to-earth sort of way. They accept their natural hair color and apply make-up to accentuate beauty rather than hide their flaws... big difference. If that isn't enough, they also understand football at a higher level than most males do on a national scale. Impressive.

Now that Im already off topic, I’ll continue to my sole complaint of the weekend. Route 322 is likely the worst engineered highway I've ever used. It's a two lane highway that uses one lane to merge traffic. Absolutely terrible considering this game's attendance was the second largest in team history, at over 110,000. The police clearly directed traffic by doing what was easy for them at parking lots with no regard for how their directions affected congestion.)

My original priority was to tailgate and get banged up. Don’t get me wrong, I had an amazing time watching DJs spin at 2:30 PM in a parking lot while drinking with old faces, but my personal highlight was getting to my seat.

We got there with the game just underway because we still needed to pound a few great tasting, less filling brews. This proved difficult after eating all the meat, bread, SVC’s and close to a full a pie between two. Anyway, two strangers were in our seats (which Kenny Bloggins got for $44 a piece because he’s not an idiot) and wouldn’t move. The section began yelling at my 6’4” frame to “SIT DOWN” to which I replied, “HE’S IN MY SEAT!” while pointing directly at the Michigan fan sitting who was in fact sitting in my seat.

The entire section rode him with “GET OUT OF HERE” or “BYE YELLOW” or “SECURITY IS COMING” until he and his 136-proof breathing tush, complete with yellow Michigan apparel, moved along with his counterfeit ticket. This perplexed everyone as how could a counterfeit pass through the scanner? I told everyone he likely purchased a real ticket and made a fake to get good seats cheaply. The regulars mostly agreed. The true irony he was sloppy-drunk and stumbled into the wrong seat.

If you can’t get a sense of the Penn State football community from that anecdote of an entire football section looking out for my—a stranger’s—football viewing enjoyment, seriously, practice your reading comprehension skills because there is definitely room for improvement.

I couldn’t ask for a better potential good-bye to my horseless sleigh, the sweet '95 American chariot with high mileage. If you ever have an opportunity to watch a game or even just tailgate at Penn State, stop whatever you are doing and go immediately.

NCAA: State College's Own Little Mardi Gras

They begin parking their campers and setting up tail gates on Friday and stay all the way through Sunday. It's an eclectic mix of old timers who can reminisce about the days of Jack Ham, Franco Harris and when Joe Paterno's glasses were less powerful than the Hubble Telescope, current students with opportunities to do better than ramen noodles and Milwaukee's Best Light and children who are most likely being groomed to attend Penn State when their times come. Most tailgates aren't exclusive to any one of the demographics, which makes Happy Valley a pretty special place to spend a Saturday afternoon.

You can walk for miles around campus and not be able to get the smell of barbecue out of your nostrils. You'll see spreads as big as a Golden Corral buffet line, Penn State flags as big as Beaver Stadium's north end zone and, in some cases, you'll actually see opposing fans welcomed and embraced. Everyone is united in one cause: to get away from (or escape with) their wives, drink beer and watch football. How much time they have and how they spend their hours depends on the fan, but I'll tell you what my favorite scenes are.

Games Within a Game: With the craftsmanship of Bob Vila and the creative genius of MacGyver, veteran Penn State fans can create a pastime and competition out of just about anything. Just as Mac can create a rocket propelled grenade launcher out of six pennies, a head of lettuce and a screwdriver, a PSU dad can create hours of entertainment with two planks and a set of six common washers. Proof that not only is the concept and spirit of beer pong in all of us, but that college students have a lot to learn about recreation as it pertains to alcohol consumption.

The Out-of-Towner: Saturday was my two-year reunion with State College and Penn State football, and it was a pretty unique experience for me. Driving through the crowds and football traffic, my New York license plates seemed to draw the ire of everyone who noticed. Parking attendants gave me the "move along" rolling of the eyes and agitated signals of where to go, and fans looked on with disgust. I think this is an issue everywhere, and though it's probably for good reason, New Yorkers are assumed to be jerks until proven otherwise. It's okay, State College, I still love you and will always be by your side.

Who Gave That Guy a Megaphone?: Echoing noise from an individual tailgate site isn't a rampant problem on most game days, but there are always some exceptions. I'm sure these are few of many examples, but we saw tailgates with a DJ spinning and with a live band playing. We also heard from 500 yards away one intoxicated fan shouting obscenities into a megaphone. Mildly entertaining at first, but more entertaining when you think about campus police pummeling him, shattering the megaphone and relentlessly spraying him with pepper spray minutes later.

The Football Gods Would Cry: Bless their hearts for trying, but fewer fans should attempt to play football games before kickoff. Middle-aged men and unathletic college kids make for something that only vaguely resembles the game of football. Each mini-game seems to go the same way - A gentleman, who is taking things way too seriously, throws with mechanics that would make Uncle Rico cringe, then tosses over the head of his teammate and off the bumper of a neighboring RV. I don't have any objection to football games being played, but an entrance exam should be taken to determine if you have appropriate skills to participate.

Mul-let's Party: Wearing a mullet wig, though a slightly outdated notion, still proved to be an interesting study in human behavior on Saturday. During the game, I wore a hat to keep the mullet under wraps and hoped to make people curious about its authenticity. The approach proved successful when I removed the hat and the mullet in the fourth quarter (coincidentally, I have a real mini-mullet working right now), to which I got an immediate "I knew it wasn't real!" from the woman behind me. This lady sat there wondering about my hair for over two hours, which was the ultimate reward for my efforts.

NCAA FOOTBALL: Leavin' For Beaver

It's about 9:45 a.m. on Saturday, and I'm once again ridding myself of the zombie-like symptoms that a late night-early(ish) morning can have on you. Today, Supreme Commander and I hit the road for Happy Valley, which is often times made into the biggest production of a 90 minute trip you'll ever see.

The overwhelming thought is on the traffic getting to State College, which should be trivial and meaningless given the nature of the journey. But 90 minutes can easily turn into 190 on a two-lane road that twice merges into a single lane. Not so bad of a thought until you realize that the vast majority of 108,000 fans are taking the very same road on the very same day.

I'm particularly excited because the day is ripe for an upset. Michigan is clearly one of the nation's top five teams, but is coming into a pretty hostile environment without its top playmaker. This will be my first live experience of "whiteout" conditions at Penn State, which unites fans who have been drinking ALL DAY LONG for the same cause.

I think today I'm going to really soak in the tailgating and pregame scene. The area surrounding Beaver Stadium is at no shortage of free space, which means that a.) there is nothing else to do on a Saturday and b.) thousands upon thousands of fans packed in RVs, under tents and on top of a Chevy Cavalier (Supreme Commander and I) have two things on their mind: Booze and football. It's hard to believe that there are two better reasons for which to live, and I'm hoping for lots of good times, poor judgment and vulgar heckling as the Nittany Lions win, 19-17.

SPORTS: ESPN = Endless Self Promotion Network

I haven't been on this earth for that long. My hair line and disgustingly large capacity for knowledge might suggest otherwise, but I'm still just a kid. But of all my experiences in sports, and life in general, nothing makes me more nauseous than the downward spiral ESPN has taken in the past two years. I'm fully convinced that everything ESPN does is blatantly self-serving, and its recent synergy with ABC Sports has only pressed the fast forward button on the VCR of Atrocity. Let's just take a look at some recent developments:

SportsCenter: When I was a kid (a little contradictory to what I just said about still being one), SportsCenter was half as long as twice as informative than it currently is. There wasn't a single Six Pack of Cold Hard anything, and there was no creation of Top 10 lists for the sole purpose of promoting a Walt Disney recording artist. Sure, we saw a Toyota ad or two, but we also didn't have a big obnoxious truck graphic come flying across the screen every 15 minutes. Advertisements, gimmicks and shameless plugs make up 75% of the show now, and we're lucky to get the score of a game we wanted to see.

What SportsCenter has become now is an entire brand name of its own. An out of control brand of its own, I might add. But I guess the question for not just SportsCenter but ESPN as a whole, is where is the alternative? Sure, we can follow our hometown teams and a little more with Fox Sports, Comcast and other regional outlets, but those channels all have significantly lower budgets, less on-air talent and 10% of the programming that ESPN does. This monster has grabbed a huge chunk of the market share across the entire nation, and the only hope is that it drives itself into the ground in due time. History can prove the cyclical nature of power, and I think I see the downswing coming soon.

Baseball Tonight: To me, ESPN gets no better than its sport-specific shows -- that is until dollar signs start flashing in the producers' heads. An hour of Baseball Tonight is informative, entertaining and a semi-educational way to spend 60 minutes of your time. Give me 30 or 60 minutes of BT, and I'm good, but when you combine it with Outside the Lines and NFL Tonight and make each show 20 minutes, then it's just ridiculous. It was affectionately known as The Trifecta, which could easily be replaced by a graphic that says "The Tigers won tonight; Maurice Clarett is crazy, and Chris Simms lost all of his vital organs in one game."

I think it's fair to say that any television broadcast is 2/3 content to 1/3 commercial, meaning that there is roughly 13-15 minutes of a TV show on The Trifecta! I realize that as years go on, our society's attention span becomes shorter and shorter, but I like to think we have a higher tolerance than 780 seconds of sports information.

NFL PrimeTime: I used to be able to say I liked NFL Primetime until it became a forum for Tom Jackson, Michael Irvin and Mike Ditka to give incredibly opinionated thoughts and not listen to what any of their colleagues have to say. Last year, the show was roughly 6 minutes of football, 25 minutes of commercials and 29 minutes of the entire panel laughing uncontrollably. Annoying, sure, but it was in good fun. Now, it's just as annoying, but is also becoming spiteful and hard to watch.

Stuart Scott: Is this guy serious? During the Dream Job series, I once heard him called "fearless" for the approach he takes to broadcasting. If that's the case, I wish Stu Pot was piss-your-pants scared at all times. I want to say that he's a "love him or hate him" case, but everyone I've ever seemed to talk to is on the 'hate' end of the spectrum. If you were one of the unlucky viewers who saw Stuart Scott do freestyle poetry on SportsCenter last year, his fate should already be sealed in your eyes.

Monday Night Football: The development of one of the nation's most popular television events - sports or otherwise - has been a pretty interesting journey in recent years. We all know that the Dennis Miller experiment went horribly wrong, but is it possible that the Tony Kornheiser experiment could go down in history as being worse?? Right off the bat, the first thing you see when the broadcast begins are two presentable, professional broadcasters in Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann, and sandwiched between them is Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. Only his 'precious' is bad jokes, no football knowledge and a notepad full of quotes from coaches and players that represent his only contributions to the broadcast. He does a nice job getting under Theismann's skin, which I do enjoy a little, but when he does, the conversation always ends the same way:

TK: All of this pressure up the middle has to bother a quarterback, right Joe?
JT: Well Tony, I see your point and do agree, but out of spite, I'm going to disagree.

15 minutes later ...
JT: Getting back to our quarterback conversation from earlier ...

Joe, the conversation is over. Please don't bring up first quarter comments with 6 minutes to go in the game just to prove that you know football and can get the final word in any discussion.

The best part of the broadcast, and I've seen at least parts of each of them so far, is the general dislike that both Tirico and Theismann have for Kornheiser. The worst part of the broadcast is a tie between guest appearances by ABC sitcom celebrities and the ridiculous song and big-headed graphic of Kornheiser when a fan has an email question for him. Last week's special appearance was a DUDE from Desperate Housewives, by the way. Thanks for the treat.

Miscellaneous: Kirk Herbstreit desperately wants to be liked by everyone; Lee Corso looks just like Mel Brooks; I once saw Chris Fowler complain like an 8-year old girl when he couldn't get his lines right; Harold Reynolds should still have a job there, but then again I'm an insensitive scumbag who believes that any form of harassment should go in the workplace; if fans and viewers thought as highly of Scot Van Pelt as he does of himself, he'd be the next leader of the free world; I didn't feel the need to mention ESPN Mobile in this blog because I can't say anything that the performance of this product doesn't say for itself; I guess you can't fault ESPN for this evolution of self-promotional sports coverage, it's the nature of this or any business to keep wanting more; my appreciation of Kenny Mayne doesn't make up for how awkward he is in those Progressive Insurance commercials; speaking of insurance commercials and sports, I love Pedro Cerrano in the State Farm commercials; oddly enough, the race for the role of company spokesman came down to him and Joe Boo, and as pitcher Eddie Harris once put it, it was "Up your butt Joe Boo" again.